I’m here today, I’m alive and well. For some that’s the hardest thing to be able to make it to the next day. I guess I’m grateful for this moment of writing to you. Life gets you to a place of feeling dull and incomplete sometimes . Yet today right this second, I thank God for peace. Peace of being able to breathe. Peace of not worrying about the next second. And what’s to come thereafter. I think I get lost in the future. I’m just waiting and waiting to get to that peak, but I’m starting to figure out that the beauty is in the anticipation, the let downs, the funny moments, the painful moments. We just have to enjoy every part of it. Fight to find joy in every dull moment. I’m learning we have to stop making expectations and allow God to lead us on the journey. I’ve realized I’m not perfect, I’m so far from it yet I still aim to be all I can be. Sigh I just want to be one of those people who get the meaning of life. So many people make life into what they can most likely see, but I feel there is soooo much more to know, to experience, to understand. I’m searching..
22 was a very symbolic age for me. It was and is an age of transition. I’ve hurdled over many obstacles this age. I’ve faced many trials and tribulations this age as well. I truly believe this year of 22 led me to meeting my true self. My adult self. This age my mind elevated to a new level of thinking, moving away from my adolescence self. I let go of things at 22, habits and ways that were conflicting my growth. At 22 God woke me up, he helped me to become aware of my self and turn from my ways. 22 I gave up loving him even though I thought it would be one of the most painful things I could do. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would, I think it hurt more to realize that I hurt myself. I was afraid to love myself by letting go. I gained a lot of collateral this year. Not the good collateral but the kind that collects dust and crowds spaces. At 22 I was in a car crash, this crash could have taken my life, but God saved my life at 22. He wiped away all the old in my life. At 22 I met this woman I never knew before, she is calm, confident, and beautiful. She possesses such grace and purpose. At 22 I realized no one can make me happy but myself. At 22 I realized that in order to prosper I would have to let some things go. I wold have to sacrifice in order to gain. 22 is the year of maintaining convictions and turning dreams into reality. 22 was the age of vision. 22 I fell in love with my own words. 22 I recognized my talents, my calling in life. 22 I fell in love with myself.
We as humans are so afraid to look into ourselves. Living in an individualistic society we aim each day to please the desires of our flesh but are afraid to confront the depths of our soul. We try to ignore the things inside of us that are flawed and are in need of desperate attention. We try to cover up the truth with lies and despair. We make excuses for our actions and justify our mistakes. Soon enough we grow victim to ourselves falling short of our full potential. Then there comes a time when we just can’t take the lies anymore. The pain of our affliction becomes too much to bare. We then have to stand up and stare in the mirror and face ourselves. Face the truth. We have to strip ourselves of everything that covers us up from our truth. We have to scalpel out all of the toxic waste that we’ve allowed to accumulate over time, and excavate it from our souls. We have to stop thinking about personal pleasure and start thinking about self development. We have to weed out all of the things that trigger us to walk off course, & realign our soul to our inner light. We have to grow up and face our fears. We have to let go of the pass to allow good to come in our future. Don’t be afraid to let go of yourself in order to gain your true self. Don’t ever be afraid to face your biggest fears, they will be your biggest accomplishments.
Honestly I’ve been dying for you to come.
See I don’t want to feel this way any longer.
I don’t want to hurt this way anymore.
See I realized I have the ability to let go.
I have to power to shed all of you from my soul .
I can walk to the end of the finish line.
I can hold my head high because I have conquered defeat.
I walk past that finish line to my new life.
I walk toward a new way of thinking, breathing, eating, living.
I used to think the end of us was going to be a tragedy.
I thought I’d collapse into a case of depression.
Yet, I feel cleansed.
I can feel my mind emptying your toxins.
I lay patiently until you are no more.
The ending feels better than the beginning.
I see a flower blossoming along the path I walk.
This flower is so vibrant and true.
For every ending, is new beginning.
For the new beginning, lies within you.
Ashes burn as I inhale your scornful words, your judgements slurs. Your eyes cut into my soul, as I try to avoid your stare. Your neglect ignites the fire that burns in my pores, as I try to put it out. The smoke clouds my surroundings as you confuse my soul, into playing your dirty games. I try to put you out with anything I can find. I stop, drop, and roll to stop the fire that attaches to my skin. I run and run away from your toxins as I find my cool deep cave of serenity and peace. I shall hide there until the fire is out. I shall find my peace and water the hot ground. I inhale your poison yet my lungs work their hardest to push you out. I fall to the ground with exhaustion, but never shall I gain defeat for I have watered the very ground you set on fire.
Where do we draw the line? God gives us so many chances, each and every day sin after sin, and then some always issuing us more get out of jail free cards even though we don’t deserve it. It’s get to a point where we as humans abuse our free will by choosing sin. I’ve realized going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth is like poison to our spirits. It throws and shifts our whole equilibrium off, and when things start happening that’s not in our best interest, we get upset and call on God even though it was our own doing. Sin is an addiction like none other. Better yet sin is addiction, it is the clinging of bad spirits and habits that ultimately aim to destroy us. Time after time I’ve built myself up spiritually, only to fall weak at the hands of temptation, letting myself down every time. By the grace of God I love that he loves me unconditionally, and will continue to forgive and strengthen me all of my days. Because of this grace we take God for granted, I’ve done it so many times, I feel as if I’ve used up all of my get out of jail free cards. God is a forgiving God, but we as his children have to take charge and cut ourselves off from sin. We have to really want to dig deep inside to figure out what is causing us to easily fall off track, to turn away from righteousness. This past year I’ve been battling some heavy demons inside of myself, when in seclusion I would be strong as a rock, but when around others I would easily fall in temptation. Each time I would tell myself you have to fight harder! Soon enough I found this as a repeat of the same ole record. Deep down inside I know that my spirit so desperately wants to be free of this sin, she screams to me at times for me to stop hurting myself. So the question is how do we stop these demons dead in their tracks? How can we just throw in the towel and walk away? We owe to it God to make that much of a sacrifice especially since he continually does that for us everyday! Of course it’s easier said than done, but God has the power to strengthen us to fight against these demons we’re consumed by. As 2017 is taking place this is a great time to look into yourself and recognize what’s hurting you, & ask God to remove it from your spirit. Sometimes we carry so much baggage we don’t even realize how light our spirit really is. God knows our faults and our weaknesses and what I’ve realized is that we can’t just stop ourselves from sin, we have to allow God to come in and block out our transgressions. We are weak but in the lord we have all power. Shake yourself of these negative energies, people, habits, addictions, hurt, confusion, remorse, regret, etc and allow God to work. All God wants to see is that there is a fight in you! We have to continue to build ourselves up stronger each time we fall, so we may stand strong against the enemy and finally win the war. Victory is inside of every last one of us, and recognizing our downfalls is the first step to walking into a new life.
I am loved.
I am smart.
I am strong.
I am determined.
I am GOD fearing.
I am kind.
I am selfless.
I am creative.
I am determined.
I am unique.
I am love.
I am crazy.
I am vibrant.
I am a finisher.
I am unconventional.
I am optimistic.
I am a realist.
I am proud.
I am independent.
I am awesome.
I am powerful.
I am intuitive.
I am a ruby.
I am a flower.
I am success.
I am famous.
I am words.
I am truth.
I am ME.
I am evolution.